On the Boob Tube

So, I know it’s totally not cool to watch a lot of tv anymore.  Almost every week, I hear someone discussing* how they canceled their cable, and now they have ample time to build authentic toothpick replicas of the Brooklyn Bridge/save the endangered male boil slug/plant, grow, harvest, then cook and make ice cream out of their own durian.

That would be ill advised

Well, we’re not those people.  Granted, the DirecTV would be one of the first luxuries to go if we lost our jobs and needed to make a lifestyle change, but for now, we watch a lot of tv, and man, do we love it.  Below, a sampling of our summer favorites, arranged by day of the week…**

Sunday: Food Network Star

I don’t think either of us is overly proud of this one, but there it is.  I’ve watched the past few seasons, and I’ve finally lured Chris into sitting and consuming episodes with me.  I think we may watch this one for all the wrong reasons: to listen to Giada get all ghetto Italian with her pronunciations, to discover what minor foodie thing will cause Alton to lose his crap***, and to see Bobby routinely laugh at the hordes of simpering attention-starved ADD monkeys that serve as contestants while mentally counting his millions of dollars.  We’re currently rooting for Lenny, as he’s the childhood friend of somebody Chris works with.

This is Lenny.

Howdy, howdy, howdy, he’s a cowboy.

Monday:

Actually, we don’t have anything on Mondays right now, since the updated season of 24 just ended.  Although it was pretty much exactly the same as every other season of 24, ever,**** we still enjoyed Jack scampering around London, shooting people and yelling “dammit!” at Chloe, who spent most of the time perfecting her Lisbeth Salander drag.

“It’s the Russians, Jack!  THE RUSSIANS!”

Tuesday: Boundless, Tyrant, and Drunk History

Well, this is a weird trifecta of programming.  Boundless airs on the Esquire Network and stars Simon and Turbo, two endurance athletes who travel around the world, taking part in extreme adventures, making fun of each other, and generally being delightful and Canadian.  They’re seriously a riot (particularly Turbo), and the show is doing absolutely nothing toward squashing our jones for both travel and endurance events.

Turbo!

A good percentage of Boundless episodes involve blood somehow

Tyrant is a new show on FX about a guy from the Middle East who moves to America and starts a life with his family, but then is drawn back into the drama of the family he tried to escape when his father – the head of the country – dies and his brother ascends to power.  That sounds like a press release, doesn’t it?  It’s just okay.  There’s a fair amount of hamming things up in the acting*****, and the main guy is a bit of a charisma void.  Besides, his name is Barry – scratch that, his given name is Basam but he GOES BY Barry.  That’s the name he picked for himself when he started the American chapter of his life.  Who hangs an entire show on the sad struggles of a guy who deliberately named himself Barry?  

Anywhoodle, much better than Tyrant is Drunk History on Comedy Central.  Derek Waters, its originator, actually started it as a series on the web, but it is in its second season as an actual tv show and is highly worth a watch.  The premise is pretty simple; Derek interviews a comedian who, while drunk, recants a little-known slice of history, while actors lip synch the story.  The results are so amazing, it’s impossible to really overstate how fantastic they are.  Not only is the show ridiculously entertaining, but we learn at least two new things every single week.  Plus, you get long-lasting images like Weird Al portraying Adolf Hitler.

Because yes.  A thousand times yes.

Wednesday: Brew Dogs and So You Think You Can Dance

Brew Dogs is also on Esquire (seriously, it’s become one of our favorite networks), and it stars Martin and James, the real life creators of Brew Dogs, the largest craft brewery in Scotland.  We visited the Brew Dogs taproom in Aberdeen while we were overseas last summer and had a great time.****** We’re predisposed to like the show, with it being about craft beer and starring Scottish people, but it really is fun.  Each week, Martin and James travel around the USA to meet up with the big shots in our craft brew scene and brew a beer they could only brew in that area.  For example, the San Francisco beer was made with water condensed from collected San Francisco fog and was finished off with sourdough yeast from the folks at Anchor Brewing; the Delaware beer was made with the folks at Dogfish Head and was brewed whilst doing laps on the track at Dover Speedway. 

James and Martin on the track at Dover, brewing beer.

And doing 90 mph in a pickup truck.

What can I say about Dance that hasn’t been said a million times before?  Almost nothing.  The contestants are amazing, the set dressing, costuming, and camera work is astounding, and it’s a capital crime against humanity that Cat Deeley hasn’t won an Emmy yet for Outstanding Reality Show Host.  My favorite addition this season is the revamp of the opening credits, which features clips of past dances upon which mathematical formulas are superimposed.  It’s art + science, and it’s way super cool.  Dance, please stay exactly as you are, except get rid of Tyce Diorio.  That guy seems like a grade A douche.

The only screenshot of the new opening credits I could find.

But you get the idea.

Thursday: Last Comic Standing

Another night, another round of reality tv programming.  We missed Comic when it was off the air for a few years, and we’re glad NBC brought it back in its current incarnation.  Most of the comics are pretty darn funny (we’re currently rooting for Rod Man); in fact, in this week's show-down for elimination, the comics were so funny that the judges brought them back TWICE to hear more material before they made the call on who would go home.  Speaking of, the judges are generally pretty good, too.  Actually, Russell Peters is really good, Roseanne is the Paula Abdul of the group, and Keenan Ivory Wayans is pretty much Randy Jackson.  Wanda Sykes is doing a lot of the mentoring this season (Amy Schumer stopped by briefly – did anyone remember she finished within the top five on a previous season of Comic?  I sure as heck didn’t!), and she’s good, giving really solid advice.  I like that they’re also putting the contestants through a series of challenges to test their skills, like being interviewed on Ellen and running a tour tram through Universal Studios. 

Believe it or not, this is actually a pretty light time of the tv year for us, since the spring shows have ended and fall shows are yet to begin.  On the fall tv front, we’re really looking forward to the final seasons of Sons of Anarchy (honestly, it’s about time for that one to be put out to pasture) and Parks and Recreation (we’re going to miss that one SO MUCH), the premiere of Gotham (a Batman prequel set when Bruce Wayne’s parents are killed and Jim Gordon is a police officer put on the hunt for their killers – also, Donal Logue!), and the return of some other favorites both old (Top Chef, New Girl, and The Mindy Project) and new (Sleepy Hollow and Brooklyn Nine Nine).

Later!

Amy

* Generally, using an extremely superior tone of voice.  Egads, that’s annoying.

** I should point out we watch maybe one-two hours of tv a night and catch up on weekends, after our long runs/rides in the morning hours.  We do a lot of fast forwarding through commercials.

*** Last week, it was one contestant trying to pass prosciutto off as Iberian ham.  THE HORROR!

**** Minus Kim getting menaced by a cougar, thank everything holy.

**** Particularly the guy who plays the brother.  That guy is capital E evvvvvvveeeeeeelllll and you know that because he’s always raping people.  It’s like Rape City up in there. 

****** I photo bombed a group of Aberdeen youths in the taproom and was promptly pronounced “cheeky.”  It remains among my favorite moments of the vacation.